In times like these my heart hurts! I want to help my mom but I am also so pissed. I am pissed that she continues to drink and I am hurt that she wants to kill herself!
I wonder what can I do to help her? How can I take the pain away? How can I make her see that she is loved so much?
I wish she could see how much God loves her. I want her to know that she has so much to live for. God has huge plans for her life. I continue to pray that God will show me the boundaries that I need to set and how I can support her.
It is hard because she is my mom however I have to remember that Jesus Died on the Cross for her. For her sins, for her pain, and for her hurt. He wants to carry all this not me. He wants to walk with her through this not me. He wants to show her His love. He wants to take the weight off of my shoulders and carry MY pain, MY hurt, MY tears, My sadness.
When my dad died I did not only lose a father I lost my mother too. I have become the parent and it sucks. I want to scream, yell, hit, kick, and tell her how much she is hurting me. When she is sober she knows and she says she is sorry but the minute she starts drinking again she turns into this whole other person. I have to start living FOR ME! Making decisions FOR ME! This is a huge test of patients, and trust!
Do I have enough patients to wait on God and see His hand move in this situation? Do I trust God enough to heal my mom, to heal me, and my brothers? Do I trust Him enough to know that He only gives me as much as I can handle? Do I trust Him enough to know that He makes everything work out for His glory? Do I trust Him enough to hold me in His arms and never let me go?
Yes I do, it is a moment by moment faith but I DO TRUST YOU LORD! When I got the phone call on Monday night all I wanted was for my daddy to come back and hold me! To tell me that everything is going to be okay! That God is in control and to shelter me from the pain!
I have had many people tell me I don't know how you do this? How do you see her like that? How do you continue to love her through your pain and the pain she has but on you? How do you continue to have strength to keep walking forward?
Well to tell you the truth sometimes I don't sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball in the corner and pray that it will all just go away! But then God gives me the strength to push forward to show me that it is okay to let Him be in control! I continue to pray that if through my trials it brings God glory then bring it on! I can do ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH! Even in the darkest valleys I CAN DO ANYTHING WHEN I HAVE GOD BY MY SIDE!
3 comments:
You are learning how to love like Jesus. In fact we all are learning how to love like Jesus. It's the only way we can love someone who hurts us so deeply. He does it for us everyday.
Believe Him Jinny. Believe Him when He says He wants to carry you, to bear your burdens, to give you rest and peace, to lift you up, to heal you, to hold you. He wants to. He wants you to crawl into His lap and find comfort. He knows your pain. He didn't cause your pain. He wants to walk you through it and heal it.
But it will be a hard journey. Nothing worth having is ever easy. The bandaid will be ripped off and the wound cleaned out. But it will heal completely and perfectly. Let Him do it. I know it's painful but it WILL be better. We are here with you. Walking with you. But God is best. He's perfect. We're not. But we love you and want God's best for you.
Thank you for your honesty. It is definitely healing. Love you friend!
All I can say is I agree with Jill and I love you. Jo Mama
Oh Darling Jinny. My heart hurts so bad for you today. Please know that we are here for you, in any way that we can be. You are a treasure to us.
The journey God is walking you through right now is deep. And hard. And painful. But it will be ok. Because you have the Creator of the Universe next to you, before you, all around you. Allow Him to be your Banner, your Healer, your Savior, your Redeemer, your Comforter, your Powerful God.
And thank you for admitting that it is not all ok. That you are not ok right now. None of us are, really. It just takes an authentic person to be willing to admit it.
Be strong in Him. Allow us to be strong for you. Just as Joshua held Moses's arms during the battle, allow us to hold yours. Rest in Him. I love you!
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