Being Vulnerable is NOT Easy Part 2

So last nights post was hard and I could only get part out without totally braking down so.... here goes the rest!!!

Last night after I wrote my last post I had a great conversation with a great friend of mine. She is kind of going through similar things. As we talked I started to really begin to understand what I was feeling. I believe that for so long I have shoved down my feelings so now when I am trying to open the wounded and allow it to start healing I don't know how to allow them to come back up! She started asking me questions and one that she asked really struck me.

She asked "Jinny why do you think that God doesn't love you just the way you are?" Now this is not her exact words because I can't remember them exactly however this is basically what she asked! :) hehehe

As I sat and thought about it I begin to see that I view God as the same person my dad was. I think that God loves me and thinks of me just like my earthly daddy did. I feel like He can't love me because I don't look just the way He wants me to.

I can remember one time my dad telling me that if my mom was the size I was when they met he would have never dated her. That really has stuck with me and I feel like this is the main reason I don't think that any man would want to be with me just the way I am RIGHT NOW!

I know that my daddy loved me and that all he wanted was the best for me but when it came to my weight I felt like he was more of a judge then my dad. All I wanted was for him to tell me that I was beautiful just the way I was.

I look back at pictures and can remember the pain I was feeling at the exact moment the picture was. I remember thinking how fat I was and now when I look at them I think wow I looked good!

I know that if I am going through this I can't even imagine how many other young girls are going through this exact same thing right now! How can I reach them and tell them that they are worthy and that they are loved just the way they are.

I know that this is going to be a process not a quick fix but I am in it for the long haul! I want to see myself through God's eyes and know how He sees me not just in my mind but in my heart!

Being Vulnerable is NOT Easy

Okay so this post has been sloshing around in my brain for several days and I just have not wanted to actually sit down and write it!!

This post is not going to be easy for me but it is something that I have dealt with my whole life. I am the type of person who always wants everyone to like me and to think that I am perfect!! Although I know that I am not perfect I want people to think I am so that I don't disappoint them.

Even since I can remember I have always been very self conscious about my weight. I can remember my dad sitting me down before going to California to visit my cousins who are super thin and beautiful telling me that maybe next year I can look like them and that I just have to work really hard at it.

My weight was always a topic of conversation when my dad and I where together. It got to the point where I would not eat around him because he would always either give me a look like are you seriously eating that or he would actually say something. So it got to the point where I would not eat and then I would closet eat when I got home.

My heart is so heavy right now and it seriously hurts, I can't hold the tears or feelings back anymore.

I have always told myself that my self worth is based on my weight. I have been on every diet ever created and have never been fully successful. I look at myself in the mirror and think who truly loves me just the way I am. Will any guy ever want to be with me even though I am not a size 2.

I can barely see the computer screen right not because of the tears. The pain that is inside me is so fresh and real it is hard to even put on paper. I have tried stuffing down the pain, hurt, and sadness that comes from my weight.

Every time I meet someone new I think that the first thing they see is my weight and then I feel like they judge me because of it.

I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. But when it is hard for me to even look at myself and I hate pictures, it gets to the point where I just feel like I should give up. Climb in a hole and never come out. I try not to compare myself to people but it is really hard. I want to have her hair, her arms, her stomach, etc, etc, etc.

I want to look in the mirror and be able to not hate what I see. I want to feel like I have purpose and I don't want to hide behind my weight. I want to not just KNOW that I am worthy and beautiful, but I want to FEEL it.

I know that this is one step towards being healed which is why it is so hard for me to write or even talk about it.

I know that God has a plan and purpose for my life but I want to know it in my heart not just in my head.

Shots!

Okay so ever since I was a little girl I have hated shots.... I mean HATED shots! One time it took my mom and four nurses to hold me down just to get one shot! So this week we found out that we have a baby in our school who has whooping cough! So we where all told as teachers to go get a shot. So for the last day and a half I have been saying I am not going to go get a shot I hate them and I think they are silly! Until one of my own students came in today and his mother told me that he had been tested! So I decided to go get it done! I went with two of my coworkers during nap and I was really freaking out! I seriously can not remember the last time I had to get a shot all I remember is that my dad took me and i had to be at least in middle school and I still sat on his lap and blew on a feather. lol Okay so back to today so we walk into san juan basin health and I am filling out paper work and my hands are dripping with sweat ... and I can feel the sweat start to drip from my forehead. So we where all called back together and I told Peggy one of my co teachers that I needed to hold her hand while I got the shot and she was all okay that is fine! So he did me first and when he came over I closed my eyes as tight as I could and I held her hand as tight as I could and by the time I was done thinking about those two things it was over. Really that was it! I was freaking out about nothing! And I always wondered why my dad would always tell me that he would never be in the delivery room with me! lol Man if a shot was that easy I bet child birth will be a breeze lol!

LOL!

Okay so the other day I was at home cleaning and kind of thinking out loud and some just in my head when I realized I said LOL to myself! Like seriously in my head I thought lol! Now I know that most of you laugh at me all the time because my favorite word it lol and some of you have even asked if my texting signature is lol! And just for the record it is not! But I just thought it was really sad that I said lol to myself in my head! It was kind of crazy and I thought that most of you who make fun of my for saying lol would actually lol at this little post! So I hope that this has made you lol today! Love you all!

Embarrassing Teaching Moment!

Okay so last Friday was our last day of school for two weeks so at the end of the day we where having closing circle, eating some cookies and candy canes. Then two of my moms came in and decided to sit in circle with us. While we where sitting there one of the moms decided to ask all the kids what they where asking Santa for for Christmas! Well one of the little boys said he wants a Nintendo ds which made the other mom ask well what is that! So I proceeded to tell her that I think it is the new version of a playboy ...... I mean game boy. Man you should have seen my face it was as red as my hair! So then of course the moms had to give me a hard time by saying we know what Miss. Jinny does in her free time. And we have some good black mail for the rest of the school year! Thank goodness I teach 4 year old's and not middle schooler's! :) Man my face is getting hot right now just telling the story! :) lol

Coffee Break!

I love coffee and a good book so I thought I would tell you all about what I am reading right now. I am reading a book called dream releasers. It is such and amazing book I could go on forever about it but I won't lol! I know on one of my earlier posts I wrote about my dreams and how I have always wanted to be a wife and a mommy! Well Kim suggested that I read this book called dream releaser so I am. In the beginning of the book is a quote that I really like and that I am confessing over my life right now! So I wanted to share with you this quote.....

You are never given a dream without also being given the power to make it come true.

Richard Bach

Okay just a little coffee for thought today :)

Memories!

So many times I get so stuck on the well when this was like this and when this happened I did this that I do not allow myself or God to think outside the box. I put limitations on myself and even on God thinking well you can't or won't do that. I am not good enough for that or I am not wise enough to speak into that persons life. But now I am beginning to realize that God is God nothing is to big, to small, to stupid, or to made up for Him to accomplish. I am learning that I can do ALL things through Him. That no matter what I might be going through, coming out of, or stepping into God is big enough and when I call on He is there. I need to stop looking behind me, to the left or to the right and begin looking in front of me. At the amazing, beautiful, and wonderful things God has in store for me. No longer holding on to memories for dear life but holding on to the hand of my loving father who is saying come with me I will find you rest and comfort. I will show you who and what I have called you to BECOME not who you where. I have a plan and a hope that is MUCH BIGGER than your own. I want to be the dream re leaser and giver not the dream taker!

Okay so that is my random thought for the night! Good night! :)

Daddy's Girl!

I am the only girl of three kids, I have an older brother and a younger brother. So as you can guess I had a very close relationship with my dad. However every Christmas I would ask for a baby sister and they would always tell me that mommy can not have anymore babies. Well after a couple years I got smart and told them they could adopt a little girl and I could than have a baby sister. Well they did not fall for that my dad use to tell me that if we adopted a little girl I would not be daddy's only girl! And since I already told my mom that when she died I was going to marry daddy I could not have another girl around to try and take my place. :)
As I said earlier I had a very close relationship with my daddy. I remember having daddy daughter dates ever since I was a little girl where our hands would be interlock and our minds set on what an exciting and fun night was ahead of us. Even when I got older we would go on our special dates this will always be one of the many memories I remember of my dad.
When my dad past away suddenly my world was torn apart. I had no clue who I was or what I stood for. What my purpose was in life and what my future had in tale. I realized that I saw who I was in my dad not in my savior. Although I was daddy's little girl I was more consumed with what he thought about me than what Jesus Christ thought about me. Although at times I get mad and frustrated because I do not understand the reason for my dads death and probably never will I do know that I have begun to be my heavenly fathers little girl. This is a process for sure and it has taken me over 4 years to get to this point. I am finally content with who I am in Christ some days are better than others but every day is a new one.
Although I will always be my daddy's little girl I am beginning to find and fall in love with my heavenly daddy. And I am allowing myself to be his little girl!

What is a Woman....

"" A woman is not born a woman. Nor does she become one when she marries a man, bears a child or does their dirty linen, not even when she joins a women's liberation movement. A woman becomes a woman when she becomes what God wants her to be.""

This is my life quote.... This is something that has taken me a long time to figure out. Since I was a little girl I have always wanted to be a wife, mommy, and a teacher. I have always thought that I needed to find my self in someone or something but really I need to find myself in God. I need to always remind myself that God loves me no matter what I look like, smell like, or act like. That He loves me unconditionally. My life Goal is to become who GOD wants me to become.