Okay so this post has been sloshing around in my brain for several days and I just have not wanted to actually sit down and write it!!
This post is not going to be easy for me but it is something that I have dealt with my whole life. I am the type of person who always wants everyone to like me and to think that I am perfect!! Although I know that I am not perfect I want people to think I am so that I don't disappoint them.
Even since I can remember I have always been very self conscious about my weight. I can remember my dad sitting me down before going to California to visit my cousins who are super thin and beautiful telling me that maybe next year I can look like them and that I just have to work really hard at it.
My weight was always a topic of conversation when my dad and I where together. It got to the point where I would not eat around him because he would always either give me a look like are you seriously eating that or he would actually say something. So it got to the point where I would not eat and then I would closet eat when I got home.
My heart is so heavy right now and it seriously hurts, I can't hold the tears or feelings back anymore.
I have always told myself that my self worth is based on my weight. I have been on every diet ever created and have never been fully successful. I look at myself in the mirror and think who truly loves me just the way I am. Will any guy ever want to be with me even though I am not a size 2.
I can barely see the computer screen right not because of the tears. The pain that is inside me is so fresh and real it is hard to even put on paper. I have tried stuffing down the pain, hurt, and sadness that comes from my weight.
Every time I meet someone new I think that the first thing they see is my weight and then I feel like they judge me because of it.
I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. But when it is hard for me to even look at myself and I hate pictures, it gets to the point where I just feel like I should give up. Climb in a hole and never come out. I try not to compare myself to people but it is really hard. I want to have her hair, her arms, her stomach, etc, etc, etc.
I want to look in the mirror and be able to not hate what I see. I want to feel like I have purpose and I don't want to hide behind my weight. I want to not just KNOW that I am worthy and beautiful, but I want to FEEL it.
I know that this is one step towards being healed which is why it is so hard for me to write or even talk about it.
I know that God has a plan and purpose for my life but I want to know it in my heart not just in my head.
Where I Went!!
1 year ago