Okay so this post has been sloshing around in my brain for several days and I just have not wanted to actually sit down and write it!!This post is not going to be easy for me but it is something that I have dealt with my whole life. I am the type of person who always wants everyone to like me and to think that I am perfect!! Although I know that I am not perfect I want people to think I am so that I don't disappoint them.
Even since I can remember I have always been very self conscious about my weight. I can remember my dad sitting me down before going to California to visit my cousins who are super thin and beautiful telling me that maybe next year I can look like them and that I just have to work really hard at it.
My weight was always a topic of conversation when my dad and I where together. It got to the point where I would not eat around him because he would always either give me a look like are you seriously eating that or he would actually say something. So it got to the point where I would not eat and then I would closet eat when I got home.
My heart is so heavy right now and it seriously hurts, I can't hold the tears or feelings back anymore.
I have always told myself that my self worth is based on my weight. I have been on every diet ever created and have never been fully successful. I look at myself in the mirror and think who truly loves me just the way I am. Will any guy ever want to be with me even though I am not a size 2.
I can barely see the computer screen right not because of the tears. The pain that is inside me is so fresh and real it is hard to even put on paper. I have tried stuffing down the pain, hurt, and sadness that comes from my weight.
Every time I meet someone new I think that the first thing they see is my weight and then I feel like they judge me because of it.
I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. But when it is hard for me to even look at myself and I hate pictures, it gets to the point where I just feel like I should give up. Climb in a hole and never come out. I try not to compare myself to people but it is really hard. I want to have her hair, her arms, her stomach, etc, etc, etc.
I want to look in the mirror and be able to not hate what I see. I want to feel like I have purpose and I don't want to hide behind my weight. I want to not just KNOW that I am worthy and beautiful, but I want to FEEL it.
I know that this is one step towards being healed which is why it is so hard for me to write or even talk about it.
I know that God has a plan and purpose for my life but I want to know it in my heart not just in my head.
5 comments:
Oh honey! My heart just hurts for you tonight. I cannot imagine the pain you have walked through with this.
I adore you sister. You are an amazing woman, cherished sister, gorgeous and beloved daughter of the King. But I know, because I am walking through it right now, that those are just words until you allow God to really get ahold of your heart and heal the wounds.
I will be praying for you. I love you darling.
Wow that was definitely not easy. And I'm very proud of you for being vulnerable. Honestly, it doesn't matter what any of us (women) look like, we all battle the same feelings. You may think someone else has it better because their butt is nicer or their arms are toned or their stomach is flat etc...but truthfully, you are not alone. The enemy would have you think you are but it's a lie. We all battle those thoughts and feelings. We all desperately want to know the truth about who we are and how God loves us. The enemy just hits us where we hurt the most.
I am so sorry friend that all of these things are swimming around in your head. I will pray that God's truth becomes more real to you moment by moment. You are a treasure to Him, to me and to so many. And you are beautiful. Without a doubt you are beautiful. I pray that the Holy Spirit would minister to your soul as you read that. You are beautiful. You are beautiful. And very, very loved.
*Hugs*
Jinny,
I love you. I know that God is doing a mighty work in you now. There comes a point where we NEED Him so badly we have to be vulnerable because stuffing it just gets so stinkin exhausting. Let those feelings of sadness, hurt and pain flow. Cry out to God and ask Him to bring the healing, because my sweet friend he will. Trust that in your most vulnerable times... he is standing there holding you up! He is just waiting for you to hand all of it over to Him. I love you and I miss you like crazy. PS. I am going to be in Denver with Kelly Sept. 20 and 21st for a Fellowship One conference... maybe we could hook up? Let me know. lv, Jen
Miss Jinny,
I want you to know that the first time I saw you I thought you were incredibly beautiful. I saw that gorgeous red hair and I thought you wouldnt want to hang out with me because you're gorgeous. That was my honest first thought. I love you and I miss you and I absolutely believe that you are beautiful inside and out.
Elise
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