Being Vulnerable is NOT Easy

Okay so this post has been sloshing around in my brain for several days and I just have not wanted to actually sit down and write it!!

This post is not going to be easy for me but it is something that I have dealt with my whole life. I am the type of person who always wants everyone to like me and to think that I am perfect!! Although I know that I am not perfect I want people to think I am so that I don't disappoint them.

Even since I can remember I have always been very self conscious about my weight. I can remember my dad sitting me down before going to California to visit my cousins who are super thin and beautiful telling me that maybe next year I can look like them and that I just have to work really hard at it.

My weight was always a topic of conversation when my dad and I where together. It got to the point where I would not eat around him because he would always either give me a look like are you seriously eating that or he would actually say something. So it got to the point where I would not eat and then I would closet eat when I got home.

My heart is so heavy right now and it seriously hurts, I can't hold the tears or feelings back anymore.

I have always told myself that my self worth is based on my weight. I have been on every diet ever created and have never been fully successful. I look at myself in the mirror and think who truly loves me just the way I am. Will any guy ever want to be with me even though I am not a size 2.

I can barely see the computer screen right not because of the tears. The pain that is inside me is so fresh and real it is hard to even put on paper. I have tried stuffing down the pain, hurt, and sadness that comes from my weight.

Every time I meet someone new I think that the first thing they see is my weight and then I feel like they judge me because of it.

I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. But when it is hard for me to even look at myself and I hate pictures, it gets to the point where I just feel like I should give up. Climb in a hole and never come out. I try not to compare myself to people but it is really hard. I want to have her hair, her arms, her stomach, etc, etc, etc.

I want to look in the mirror and be able to not hate what I see. I want to feel like I have purpose and I don't want to hide behind my weight. I want to not just KNOW that I am worthy and beautiful, but I want to FEEL it.

I know that this is one step towards being healed which is why it is so hard for me to write or even talk about it.

I know that God has a plan and purpose for my life but I want to know it in my heart not just in my head.

Make a Difference Monday (Alyssa)

Monday is here again and as I was driving to work out today Klove reminded me that is was Make a Difference Monday! :) They where talking about a family named the Bains who have adopted 12 kids and now they have a TV show on A&E! They are a christian family who say that they want to help children understand that it is not their circumstances that define them but their relationship with God.

This week I want to share with you about a little girl in my ministry. Her name is Alyssa and she is 8 years old. A couple weeks ago I challenged all the kids in Kidz Church to bring a friend and if they did I would have a treat for them and their friend. Anyway to get kids to hear about Jesus love right! :) hehe

Alyssa and Abigale getting their treats! :)

The very next week Alyssa brought her friend Abigale and the following week she brought two new friends Hayley and Jasmine. After church that day Alyssa's Grandma who brings her and all her friends to church told me that Alyssa loves coming to kidz church and wants to bring more and more friends every week.Abigale, Me, and Alyssa

Although Alyssa may not realize what she is doing it amazes me that a little girl can have such a heart to bring her friends to church, and then God takes it from there and shows them His love.Me, Hayley (in the back), Alyssa (on my lap), and Jasmine

Saying good bye after kidz church! :)

I am so honored and blessed to get to minister to kids like this each week! :)

Another story I heard this week was of a three year old little girl who heard about people who had no food. So she decided to start asking friend and family to give her food so that she could help them and to this day she has helped hundreds of people.

Both of these stories just proves that we should not underestimate the power and mind of a child.

Now its your turn lets here your Make a Difference Monday story! :)

Make a Difference Monday (Ms. Fullen)

I had good intentions last week to write my Make a Difference Monday's post but the day just flew by and so did the week so I am going to be on top of it this week! :)

I have several hero's in my life and one of them is my 5th grade teacher Ms. Fullen. She made a huge impact in my life when I was only 10/11. School had never been something that I enjoyed going to. Ever since I was in 2nd grade I was put into the "special ed" class in school and I hated it. I knew that something was wrong with my eyes and that I was not able to read that well but when I was put into special ed it crushed my heart. I was made fun of and teased saying that I was stupid and I never really had any friends in school. I thought that I was to stupid to have any so I just hid in my little corner and made it though school day by day.

That was until I had Ms. Fullen as my teacher. The first day I walked into her class she made me feel special. She talked to me like I was the smartest kid in her class and she really took the time to get to know me. She wouldn't send me to the "special ed" classroom unless I needed extra time to work on things. She would spend time with me individually and truly invested in me. She would stay late after school and help me with whatever I needed help on. The way she talked to me and looked into my eyes made me feel like I was worth something more then just the stupid girl.

She saw that I had potential and helped me to see it in myself. She was the whole reason that I wanted to become a teacher. I wanted to impact the lives of kids the way that she impacted my life. When I was in high school I was able to contact her and let her know what an impact she made in my life.

She made a difference in my life which has encouraged me to make a difference in the lives of children that I come into contact with.

Ms. Fullen wherever you are thank you for being a shining example to me of what it means to love unconditionally. Thank you for showing me that I have potential and that I can do whatever I put my mind to! :)

What is your Make a Difference Monday Story? I would love to hear it! :)

Make a Difference Monday

This morning as I was driving into work I was listening to Klove and they where talking about making Monday's "Make a Difference Monday" and I thought wow how awesome would that be to have a blog post every Monday talking about....

1. How different people have made a difference in my life
2. How I have made a difference in lives
3. Different ways I would like to see myself make a difference

So here is the first ever "Make a Difference Monday"

I thought I would share with you two stories that have happened the past two Sunday's!

The first one happened last Sunday when a mom came to me and told me that after children's church that day her son Jadon (who is 6 years old) told her "mom I feel so close to Jesus right now." When she asked him why he felt that way his response was "Because I got to sing to Him and learn about Him in kids church." This mom was telling me this that evening and it seriously gave me chills down my spine. As I sat there and thanked God for that little encouragement He whispered so softly, "This is why I have brought you here, so that these kids will feel Me and know Me in a whole new way."

(Jadon is on the far right side in the front row)

For the last several weeks I have been feeling like I have no clue what I am doing. These kids are between such a wide age span that I am sure they are not getting anything out of this. So when this sweet mom came to me to tell me this story she had no clue what I needed to hear and she spoke exactly what I needed to hear. How great is our God.

The second story happened just yesterday however let me back up just a little bit to explain the whole story! :) Three weeks ago one of the grandma's in our church came to me after church and introduced me to her granddaughter Alyssa. It was her first week at church and she didn't want to come to kids church so grandma decided to keep her in church and introduce her to me after. When she came down I got down on her level and introduced myself and asked her a few questions about herself and that was it. The following week she came to church and guess what came down to kids church.

Well yesterday she was not at church and I really didn't think anything about it till I went to lunch at subway. As I was getting ready to order I felt this little person come up behind me and give me a giant hug. When I turned around guess who is was.... Alyssa. I stopped and talked to her for a few minutes and told her how I missed her in kids church and hope she comes back next week. She then told me that today "Monday" is her birthday so I am getting ready to send her a birthday card and tell her how happy I was to see her yesterday at subway.

Who would have taught that after only meeting this sweet little girl a few weeks ago that she would already be attached. It just amazes me how much God loves me enough to know my deepest desires and then He answers them. How great is our God!!!

(This is Alyssa and I last week)

So now it is your turn! :) What are some ways that you have made a difference?? I would love to hear your stories! :)