So last nights post was hard and I could only get part out without totally braking down so.... here goes the rest!!!
Last night after I wrote my last post I had a great conversation with a great friend of mine. She is kind of going through similar things. As we talked I started to really begin to understand what I was feeling. I believe that for so long I have shoved down my feelings so now when I am trying to open the wounded and allow it to start healing I don't know how to allow them to come back up! She started asking me questions and one that she asked really struck me.
She asked "Jinny why do you think that God doesn't love you just the way you are?" Now this is not her exact words because I can't remember them exactly however this is basically what she asked! :) hehehe
As I sat and thought about it I begin to see that I view God as the same person my dad was. I think that God loves me and thinks of me just like my earthly daddy did. I feel like He can't love me because I don't look just the way He wants me to.
I can remember one time my dad telling me that if my mom was the size I was when they met he would have never dated her. That really has stuck with me and I feel like this is the main reason I don't think that any man would want to be with me just the way I am RIGHT NOW!
I know that my daddy loved me and that all he wanted was the best for me but when it came to my weight I felt like he was more of a judge then my dad. All I wanted was for him to tell me that I was beautiful just the way I was.
I look back at pictures and can remember the pain I was feeling at the exact moment the picture was. I remember thinking how fat I was and now when I look at them I think wow I looked good!
I know that if I am going through this I can't even imagine how many other young girls are going through this exact same thing right now! How can I reach them and tell them that they are worthy and that they are loved just the way they are.
I know that this is going to be a process not a quick fix but I am in it for the long haul! I want to see myself through God's eyes and know how He sees me not just in my mind but in my heart!
